Our Pregnancy Story

By | March 2, 2015

We had our 20 week ultrasound today and are ecstatic to know Beanie is growing normally and is perfectly healthy.

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We know anything could still happen at any time but were super happy to get a little glimpse of our little one. And no, we didn’t find out if Beanie is a boy or girl. We’re waiting until he or she is born! You can get a peak at the plans and mood board for our Gender Neutral Nursery, though, here.

Today, I’m sharing our story of waiting for our baby.


Every baby comes with a perfectly unique story. This is ours.

Our journey with infertility was short when we consider the many, many painful years some couples struggle. We’ve had an exceptionally happy ending so far and know we have been greatly blessed in this pregnancy. In no way do we want to seem insensitive to those still waiting for their own babies. I know our year of bad news isn’t comparable to the couple who has prayed and waited ten long years, enduring long, countless cycles of treatment and still left waiting for baby.

But, I think it’s important, for my own heart, for all our hearts, to tell the story. I don’t want to take away from those whose suffering has been longer or “bigger,” I simply want to reach out and say, “Yes, I know this heartache is real. I haven’t walked your road, nor you mine, but we each have a story, and hearts that seek understanding and healing through telling those stories.”

Since beginning this phase of life, I struggled with feeling alone while we searched for answers that never came. Wyatt was strong and confident in the future, but frustrated and looking for facts, figuring out statistics with each new development. I was emotional and sensitive, trying to be brave and sure, but coming to God every morning and night with questions. As a community of friends and family, we don’t often talk about this ache from the soul, this longing for a child that may never come. Too often, we wait in silence, wearing happy faces while defending our privacy and pain.

While I prayed for our own baby, I struggled with the contrasting emotions of joy and jealousy seeing friends and family sharing their happy news. Every well-meaning question of “when are you guys going to have a baby” brought a lump to my throat as we wondered when, and if, this would happen for us. And now, I try to be sensitive to those who are still waiting. Know that I’m praying for you, for your future children. 

If nothing else, this journey has given me a new understanding with those who have waited for baby, no matter for how many months or years. It’s given me a renewed belief in miracles, the tiniest speck of wonderful new life deep inside a mother’s womb. I know when we were waiting, I was desperate to find others’ stories who might give me a little sense that someone knew what I was feeling.

The journey to motherhood, to fatherhood, is beautiful and wonderful and strange in so many ways, and is one all parents travel, whether for one month, 12 months, or 15 years. We are not alone. 


I stopped taking birth control after my cycle near the end of September 2013. I had what seemed like regular cycles for several months and we started actively trying to conceive in December. In January, my period was late, and I was ecstatic to think we’d conceived so quickly. But the test was negative and several days later, my period came.

It quickly became clear my cycles were not truly regular; with each month my cycle lasted longer and longer. Each delayed period brought a new surge of hope and anticipation only to reveal a negative pregnancy test and more questions. In May, I visited my doctor for my yearly exam and explained my concerns. She said everything was likely still fine but ordered some tests to begin trying to figure out why I wasn’t ovulating normally.

The tests came back with no abnormal results but left me wondering even more. If there was no reason I wasn’t ovulating, why wasn’t my body working like it should? I began monitoring my body temperature to help predict ovulation. No luck. I just wasn’t ovulating.

The summer brought more frustration as I eventually had to take medication to regulate my cycle. One round of that was supposed to be enough to “jump start” my body and we had renewed hope entering August. Still, my cycles lasted too long and each month brought a negative pregnancy test as I hoped there was a happy reason for my delayed period. Each time, I found only disappointment and more questions with each single line.

At the doctor’s request, I began using ovulation tests. There were no clear indications I was ovulating at all. So, my doctor ordered more blood work which determined I might be ovulating, but also might not be. More frustration with the medical tests. With my body. The numbers were borderline, and my doctor concluded I was likely “just not ovulating most months,” and she couldn’t give me a reason why. With no determined reason for this, it meant pregnancy was less likely, but not impossible. We just had to wait. So we waited, and we prayed every night for a baby.

Finally, in October, since my cycle wasn’t self-regulating after a year of monitoring, and we still didn’t have any indication of ovulation, my doctor said I would likely need to begin hormones to trick my body into “hyper-ovulation.” This came with a higher chance for pregnancy, as well as a higher risk for multiples. Before we could begin, or even decide if we wanted to proceed with infertility treatment on my end, my doctor ordered a round of tests for Wyatt as well. On October 27, Wyatt visited the fertility specialist for semen analysis.

We were confident this would come back normal as it was much less likely we were both experiencing problems and we already knew my body wasn’t ovulating properly. What were the odds neither of us was fertile?

Unfortunately, it was more bad news. Every test revealed reduced conditions for pregnancy. More questions that needed to be answered. We were unsure of what any of this meant for our long term plans.

With this new information, I had another consult with both my doctor and the fertility specialist. Natural pregnancy wasn’t necessarily impossible, but was highly unlikely since we both had issues. It could take years, and might not happen at all. I pulled off the road and spent a few minutes weeping in a parking lot as I heard the news over the phone.

Each doctor separately recommended we stop trying for natural pregnancy and begin preparations for intrauterine insemination. According to the research we had, most couples who turn to IUI have a 5-20% chance of becoming pregnant. It can cost $1,500 to $4,000. If that was unsuccessful, the next step would be in vitro fertilization. Success rates for IVF are around 41-43% and the procedure can cost $10,000 to $15,000.

We were both devastated and spent many days and nights discussing our options and praying for answers. Those costs were not a truly viable financial option for us right now. We’d need to seriously consider how to handle those in the long term. Finally, we decided we just didn’t have peace about moving forward with treatment. We would continue to try and conceive naturally as long as we felt God telling us to wait. We didn’t feel God was telling us that medical procedures were the right path, at least for now. Adoption was discussed as an option for the future as well.

In November, my period was significantly late, again, which meant I would likely need another round of hormone treatment to jumpstart the next month’s cycle so we could start fresh for January. Before that could happen, the doctor would need to rule out pregnancy. I waited as long as possible to take a pregnancy test, dreading another negative result.

Finally, on November 18 (cycle day 42), I took the test early in the morning and was shocked to see a double line as I glanced at it side-eyed in an attempt to shield my heart from more disappointment. After a call to my doctor and initial blood work that day, it was confirmed, I was pregnant!

We had an ultrasound one week later to determine an accurate age of the baby since my cycles had been so irregular. Turns out, I likely ovulated, and conceived, on the same day Wyatt had his tests done. Our baby was already forming deep inside me as we received the news natural pregnancy was unlikely or impossible. In the days we felt most hopeless, most alone, we were already and unknowingly blessed with the miracle of our baby, a tiny, wonderful secret deep inside me, the answer to our desperate prayers.


We’ve never felt so miraculously blessed, and are counting down the days to meet our precious son or daughter. Again, we know this story might seem insignificant to those who waited years and years, or who are still waiting. I also don’t know the pain of the parents who are able to conceive again and again only to lose their precious baby several months later each time. My heart aches for those who are hurting, who’ve known the deepest and truest form of hurt I can only imagine.

My only hope is that in sharing our story, all our hearts can find compassion. I pray you may be encouraged in the peace we’ve found through trusting God on this journey, knowing He cares for our concerns and we can go to Him with our questions and tears, ultimately finding grace in His sovereignty and the way He pours out His Love to us.


Every bitter thing snipI recently received and read “Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet,” crying through Sara Hagerty’s story of finding that God is truly good in all things, in all seasons. The generous folks at Harper Collins found my comment on a blog post by Jen Hatmaker and offered to send me a copy. I wasn’t asked to review or promote the book in any way but found it to be so wonderful that I feel led to pass on the kindness and share her story with one of you. If you’re struggling with heartache and questions of any kind, (infertility, broken relationships, loss of a loved one, illness…) I’d love to send a copy to you. Feel free to leave a comment below and I will choose one reader at random to mail a book to. Her story touched me, and I would love to encourage you in your journey as well.

I can’t even tell you how I was touched by the following lines as tears ran down my cheeks.

“I often pictured the future from the perspective of fear, as in imagining the worst case scenario might allow me to prepare myself. But God comes kindly to prepare, and with a grace He’ll release only in that moment, not in advance.”

-Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, Sara Hagerty, page 72

 

How often had I pictured the worst case scenario as we received bad news, crying to Wyatt that I wasn’t sure this would ever happen for us, admitting I didn’t yet feel God’s reassuring voice saying we would one day conceive? How often did I wonder if I had only mistaken the overwhelming desire I had felt in my soul to carry a child? How much did I despair in the very days He was creating a tiny miracle in my womb? How often have I barely dared to pray for big things and yet God has continued to prove he is able and willing to heal, to remove cancer, to offer us another miracle?

You guys, God is Good!


 

Thanks for reading. Love to you all.

*Edited: I’ve already sent out the book, but feel free to continue to leave comments of encouragement and share your stories if you’d like. If our budget allows, I’ll try to continue to send books to anyone I can. Or, feel free to send a book to someone you, know, instead!

24 thoughts on “Our Pregnancy Story

  1. Mary

    Love this post. Thanks for putting your heart and soul into words….I also appreciate your sympathy towards those that this might be a hard topic to process themselves.

    October 2012 my husband and I welcomed our sweet daughter. When she was 5 mos old we saw two lines! Not planned but we accepted it and looked forward to close ages in siblings. 🙂 awful pregnancy sickness, nursing (24/7), I labored that sweet baby at home 2 mos after finding out. We were shocked. It was so hard. Confusing.

    One period later and we were pregnant again. I couldn’t believe it. I think I was shaking when I read the test! It was so surreal. This baby also made be super sick all night and day, and I had a busy 8 month old. I was a couch potato. I questioned so many times but kept telling myself “why would I miscarry again?”

    The ultrasound showed an 8wks 5days growth and no heartbeat. I should have been 12 wks. That labor (D&C later) was horrible. How do you bounce back after that? My firstborn wasn’t even 1 year old yet! I felt like I missed so much of her life. I was so sick or grieving.

    I share all this because these stories (like yours) need to be shared. So many people deal with hard stuff in their life. You can search my blog too for more about us and the miscarriages. Let me know and I can link you.

    Best wishes on your little one. 🙂
    Our daughter is now nearing 2 1/2 years and quite the handful. But her JOY in life reminds us of the joy that we are promised that will come!! 🙂

    P.S. sorry for any typos I don’t have time to proof. 😉

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Your story has certainly touched me! I’ve followed along your blog (http://marykaisand.blogspot.com/) and my heart has broken for you. Praying for peace and healing, and for hope in the future. God is good, even through our pain. <3 Thanks for sharing your story with us.

      Reply
  2. Melissa

    I’d love to recieve a copy. We’ve been struggling to conceive for going on 3 years. I’m so encouraged by your miracle.

    Reply
  3. Merritt

    Thanks for your heart to share your story. I pray it reaches others who are suffering and provides comfort in some small or big way. You know our story…at least parts of it… infertility (no matter how long you suffer) is just plain hard.

    So excited for you guys to meet your little one. It’s a new kind of hard that God permits for those who get to be parents. He is refining us day by day through our little girl. May He continue to prepare you for the joy and trials yet to come!

    Reply
  4. Jill K

    So happy you shared your story. It is personal and heartfelt. My friend recently had her fiance move out while she was out of town. He said he didnt think he wanted kids or a wife. She has been left to pick up the pieces and be the teller of bad news to their social circle. I am going to get her this book based on your recommendation. May you enjoy the journey if two, before you become a family of three. Congratulations!

    Reply
  5. Christa G.

    As a labor & delivery nurse I get to see the wonderful, long awaited, end result every day. I also see miscarriages and losses. Thank you for opening up about your infertility journey as many people don’t want to talk about the hard times a lot of women face (whether that be infertility or miscarriages). I’m sure your story will be used to bless and encourage someone.

    And I wish you a happy, safe, and quick delivery

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Thank you so much for the comment and kind words. I don’t envy your job (I’m a bit squeamish) but I’m so grateful for wonderful nurses. I’m sure I’ll be especially grateful when in labor with this little one! Thanks for being willing to serve mommas in that way!

      Reply
  6. Gabby Deitsch

    So happy for you guys! I’m glad you are starting to share your journey. As much as I love the house updates, it’s amazing to hear miracle stories like yours! I will admit, although we haven’t started trying, I always get so nervous about infertility because I hear about it so often. Props to you for giving your trust and faith to Him!

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Thank you! I wrote this story for myself and then decided to share on the blog. Glad you appreciated it. 🙂 Best wishes for your future family, whenever you feel it’s right to start. (P.S. I can’t wait to hear all about your race!)

      Reply
  7. MaMa

    Thanks for sharing your struggles with us. Glad to say you have a happy ending! You are right God id Good. Can’t wait to meet our special Great Grand Baby in July! Love you all!

    Reply
  8. amanda kreisel

    Teary eyes & full heart reading this! Thank you for your courage in sharing your story & your steadfastness in trusting our Creator. The resounding truth that rings forth from this post is… “God is faithful!!! He is kind, sovereign, & good & near to us! Praise Him!!!” And what a beautiful message to boldly proclaim. So incredibly proud of you, Melissa & beyond joyful for the precious life God has entrusted to you & Wyatt. Love you, friend!!!

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Thank you for sharing our joy! It’s so wonderful to know we have friends and family who love us! And who truly understand how great God is! 🙂

      Reply
  9. laurenbtrain

    Thank you so so much for sharing your story! My emotions ran high as I read this post through tears. I am overjoyed for the miracle within you and appreciate your transparency and faith as you and Wyatt have walked through this! Many blessings and I am praying for your sweet baby and yall!

    Reply
  10. Melissa Howard

    Ahhh, you told your story so touchingly. To God alone be the glory, right?! Who else can do such marvelous things? Thanks for sharing. I am incredibly excited for you and Wyatt to become parents. Also, every little comment you’ve made on my posts about Jackson just tripled in meaning in my heart because of what you were going through all last year (and they already meant so much — kind words about my child mean way more than kind words about me!). 🙂 Recently I’ve been increasingly hesitant, cautious, and loving when discussing pregnancy with a married, not-yet-pregnant woman. It seems like, chances are, she’s hoping to get pregnant, and I want to be an encouragement as much as possible.

    Again, I am so super excited for you!! Post pictures like crazy, and I won’t complain. 😉

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Thank you so much for the kind words. It’s been difficult but wonderful to see our friends have beautiful babies. A reminder that God is good, for sure! Thanks so much…I’m sure we’ll be posting photos. 🙂

      Reply
  11. Ashley K

    Oh Melissa. This was my favorite piece of writing you’ve had on this blog, and I’m very happy you shared this personal writing with us. It brought tears to my eyes as well. Trying to get pregnant is often a quiet and secretive process and it hard to know if others understand what you are going through, and it is so nice to hear your story! And as your friend I am especially happy and so excited for you to be a mom!!! Please post pictures of your growing belly!! I love hearing about your pregnancy. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me to know our story has touched others. Don’t worry, I’ll be posting some belly pics. It doesn’t seem all that huge to me yet so I haven’t been sharing too much. 🙂 Can’t wait to hopefully celebrate pre-baby and post-baby with you soon!

      Reply
  12. Constance thomas

    Thanks for this post Melissa. I was (am) still very down waiting for a miracle. But your post just pumped in some hope into me. I really hope God will soon bless hubby and I with a child. =) Btw, Will is such a cute little cherub 🙂

    Reply
    1. Melissa Post author

      Thanks for your comment! Praying for you have a sweet babe of your own, soon, and that God’s will will be clear throughout the journey!

      Reply

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